Ayoooah! Hail to the Sole Survivor!"And the winner... of Survivor: ElfQuest is..."
"EMBER!!"
A cry goes up from the jury. Rayek grins ear-to-ear as he lets out a shout of "Merciful drukk!" Ember's face drops in an expression of complete astonishment. Rayek catches her up in his arms and dips her, then congratulates her with a enthuasiast tongue-kiss that draws cries of "HEY!" from Cutter and Teir in unison. As soon as Rayek releases her, Ember runs to Teir and embraces him in kind, leaving Cutter to cry "HEY!" all by himself.

As soon as Teir can breathe again, he gives the signal and all the former Survivors come running out into the tribal council area, joined by Strongbow, Cam Triompe, and all the other Token Celebrity Guest Stars. Everyone hugs Ember, then pats, pummels, or otherwise abuses Rayek's back in congratulations. Ember escapes from the suffocating clutches of Leetah's bosom, then runs and hides behind Teir as a very sexually frustrated Mender tries to hug her. Kahvi pulls on Rayek's ponytail in greeting, and Bearclaw and Joyleaf mill about in the mist overhead, invisible to all but Cutter, who bursts into tears at feeling his parents' spirits with him once more. Skot doesn't even bother running to Ember and Rayek, but tackles Pike instead. The two go flying over the railing and drop into the jungle.

Teir slips Bearclaw's necklace over Ember's head. "Ember! Sole Survivor!"

The dramatic music begins to fade, and all the elves - and the one lone human - hurry off to the open bar at the wrap party.


The Votes:


Skywise (on voting for Rayek): Sorry, Ember. This is what happens when you don't honour alliances. Rayek - you're pure evil, but at least you're honest. You never pretended you didn't want to maim Cutter's genitalia, or that you'd kill any one of us to get ahead, and I respect that. And frankly - a basket of porn does sound better than anything Ember gave him at council.

Nightfall (on voting for Ember): Rayek, you are a despicable wretch. Ember, you're a selfish little brat. I'd rather vote for a brat than a genocidal maniac. We have had our differences, Ember, and I'm sure as hell glad you're not my daughter, but you are Blood of Chiefs, and that carries a lot more weight than any of the empty promises Rayek made.

Scouter (on voting for Rayek): You out-eviled me. I respect that. I think I got too caught up in the whole self-righteous crusade attitude, and concentrated on eliminating the "false chief" when I should have been trying to eliminate everyone! You taught me a good lesson, Rayek. My vote is for you.

Dewshine (on voting for Ember): Tee hee. Well, Scouter will probably get real pissed at me for voting for you, Ember, but I just respect you as a player a lot more than I do Rayek. You are a nice kind of cute and lanky evil, but Rayek is always either grumpy sourpuss evil or smoldering and brooding evil, and I've had just about enough of that from Tyldak. There's a reason we didn't stick together. So kudos to you, Ember! Chicks Rule!

Cutter (on voting for Ember): You aren't getting one penny of my inheritance, young lady, but I have to vote for you. I'll be damned if I'll vote for Rayek!

Venka (on voting for Rayek): Good luck, Father. I just want you to know I am not just voting for you because of blood, but because I truly think you are the best player here.

Pike's had a ball - despite the bugs!Pike (on voting for Ember): Rayek - you are just so cool, man! We are sooo going out for pizza. Hey, when you get Winnowill therapy or whatever and make her fun to hang out with, we should double-date. But as for my vote, I'm afraid it's going to have to go to Ember. Why - well, because Rayek, you basically just sort of played your usual game. Really well, mind you. But I mean, Ember, who knew she could be so evil? She totally broke out of her usual character! So Ember, this vote is for you. And if you meant it about forming your own tribe - I'm so there!

Where are they Now?
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Elfquest art copyright 2002 Warp Graphics, Inc. Elfquest, its logos, characters, situations, all related indicia, and their distinctive likenesses are
trademarks of Warp Graphics, Inc. All rights reserved. Survivor, its logos, situations, distinctive phrases etc is sooo a trademark of Mark Burnett, CBS, and probably several others too. All rights reserved. This is just a spoof. This is just a spoof.