Episode
Four: The Kit Hits the FanEpisode
Four: The Kit Hits the Fan"I do get the feeling that I don't entirely fit in," Kit confesses. "Except for Littlefire, Cheipar and Weatherbird, no one really here really knows me. But then... even my own parents don't really know me. So I'm used to it, you know. And... I'm much happier sticking to myself. It's good, you know. I'd rather just sit back and watch the world go by than run around and make an ass of myself with Spar and the others."
Gypsy Moth: We’ve annihilated those doofs over at Warp nine days running. Why shouldn’t we celebrate?
Weatherbird: Pride goeth before a fall, you know. Just saying.Sure enough, the Alternaverse tribe soon receives a very puzzling piece of a treemail asking them to select a representative who is not their chief. “I don’t get it,” Gypsy says. “I mean, what? Is it going to be an individual reward challenge or something?”
Savin: We have to keep in mind who the other tribe is going to choose, in case we’re competing against them.Meanwhile, over at Camp Warp, the beleagered Wolfriders are struggling to solve their own problem. “We all know Survivor thrives on mixing things up,” Skywise says. “So what’s the catch? Is the elf we pick going to get to pick a brand-new tribe? Are they going to compete in some kind of new challenge? Do they get to pick our reward? Or are they going to get kicked off the tribe if we lost the challenge? Winnowill’s capable of anything.”
The Wolfriders struggle to choose a representative. Strongbow, Scouter and Nightfall all want the job. **I’m the logical choice, as second-chief,** Strongbow argues. Nightfall, meanwhile, feels she is the best combination of brains and brawn. “I can hold my own in a physical challenge, and I’m pretty sharp in these mental challenges too.” But Scouter does not trust Nightfall’s motives. “Whoever we choose will represent the tribe and be seen as Cutter’s right-hand man. Nightfall’s just trying to solidify her position.”
Skywise: You might think I want to be chosen. But I’m not going to stand out like a sitting duck by going “Hey, Alt elves. Look at me!” No way, no how.The tribes meet for the reward challenge at noon. The Alternaverse elves put Savin forward as their representative. “It seemed the best choice,” Gypsy Moth shrugs when asked to explain. “She’s pretty fit if she has to compete in any kind of physical thing, and she’s really smart too, so if it’s some kind of problem solving, I’m sure she’ll figure it out. Plus she’s sort of second-chief out here, so it just makes good sense.”
But the Warp elves haven’t picked a representative yet. When Winnowill presses them, Nightfall ends up stepping forward. Scouter is seething, but he does not challenge.
“All right,” Winnowill says. “today’s challenge will test how well you can master your environment. Behind me you see two different piles of tools courtesy of Home Depot Abode®. Now, you’re wondering why we’ve asked you to pick a representative. Well, today each tribe is building a different project. Nightfall, Savin – one of you will choose which tools you would like to use – and thus, which secret project you want to complete. You have the rest of the day. Then a licensed engineer will come and inspect your project. The winning tribe will get to keep all their tools, plus a bonus housewarming gift. Now... Savin, Nightfall – one of you gets first pick. To find out which one...”
Cutter: We thought we had won for sure. Nightfall has a good five pounds on that skinny little wretch.“Rock, paper, scissors!” Winnowill declares. The elves moan at the anticlimax. Savin and Nightfall rock-paper-scissors. Savin plays rock. Nightfall plays scissors. Savin squeals with glee and turns towards the piles of tools. One pile is largely saws, hammers and screwdrivers of various sorts, plus several sheets of iron mesh. The other pile has pipes, spigots, and two large water buckets. Savin chooses the second pile.Gypsy Moth: We thought we had won for sure. Savin can beat that bimbo in her sleep.
Winnowill: Then for the Alt elves, your challenge is as follows. Build a functional shower and port-a-potty by sundown. And for the Warp elves: you must build a new house at your camp, complete with a cooking area and working barbeque. The challenge begins now!The elves turn and race back to their camps. They have eight hours until the judge will come to inspect their handiwork.
“I knew what I was doing,” Savin tells the camera. “Why, I recognized that L-pipe the moment I saw it. I mean, really, what do we need? Another grubby cooking pit or a shower and a flush-toilet. I don’t mind roughing it, but I can only do so many sand scrubs a year. We’re Iron Age, for Mura’s sake! Let’s start living like it.”
Over at Camp Warp, the elves are busy blocking off a section for their barbecue. “I wish we had had this challenge the other day when we still had Kahvi on our tribe,” Scouter moans. “She knows how to build these... cooking things better than we do.” But Tyleet and Skywise are already drawing up plans in the dirt. “I’ve watched humans make things like these,” Tyleet says. “And Skywise has gone to Go-Back Nite at the Palace enough times to get the general idea.”
The Camp Alt elves are hard at work on their shower. “So it’s a pretty easy idea,” Savin explains. “We fill the bucket up here with water, then you step into the shower onto this bamboo stand and turn on the tap right here. The water drains through the pipe through this little shower-head thingie we made, and you get nice and wet. And the water just drains away under the stand, so you don’t have to stand in mud.”
The toilet, however, poses problems. Some of the Wolfriders simply want an outhouse, but others want a ditch that drains away to the ocean. “I just worry that it’ll be too complicated, and we won’t finish it in time,” Kit says. “And frankly, it’s better to bury it than to flush it into the ocean right by our beach.”
Savin: Ugh. How primitive.The Wolfriders at Camp Warp have finished their fire pit. But the shelter still needs work. They have tried to graft a little porch onto their old shelter. “It’s uglier than a troll’s rump,” Skywise laments. “But at least it holds. But I think if Scouter and Strongbow had helped out more instead of going hunting....”
Weatherbird: So we compromised. And we have a pipe that leads to a pit.Littlefire: It... it’s good. (Grins ) I – I helped. A little.
Coppersky: (Exasperated) He got lost trying to ask Brightmetal for the wrench. I don’t know what we’re going to do with him.
Meanwhile, Tyleet and Nightfall try to brighten the campsite by making a tree swing next to the porch, and by adding fresh palm fronds to the roof. Crescent brings flowers to add colour, but the blooms always wilt whenever she touches them. Strongbow has brought nothing for the firepit, but Scouter has speared a small fish, and they filet it and set it over the fire for the judge.
At dusk the judge comes by with Winnowill. It is Two-Edge. “Hey, Two-Edge!” Skywise grins and waves his hand. Scouter moans audibly. Strongbow and Cutter exchange nervous glances. But Tyleet cheerfully shows Two-Edge around. “This is our porch here. See, we have room for two elves to sit down. And over here we have this little swing seat.” Two-Edge shakes their porch and frowns to see how it buckles.
Two-Edge: Hm... shoddy construction here. Exposed nail – that’s a safety hazard. I don’t know if these supports will hold in a hurricane. I doubt that swing could support a troll’s weight–In the ancient troll tradition of bribery, they offer Two-Edge the fish grilling on their barbeque. “Good fish,” he rules. “Good grill. Nice char. Solid flame.” The elves rejoice.Cutter: I think Two-Edge has it in for us.
Crescent: We were pretty desperate. And then we remembered we had the fish on the grill.
Two-Edge leaves without rendering a verdict. Then he and Winnowill head over to Camp Alternaverse. Brightmetal greets his father with a great bear hug. Savin and Weatherbird exchange smug looks. The challenge is as good as won.
Two-Edge inspects their shower and port-a-potty. The bamboo rack in the show breaks when he steps on it. “Cannot support adequate weight,” he rules. But he deems the water flow out of the shower bucket sufficient. The port-a-potty is another matter. “Poor irrigation. Pipes are too small. You’ll have sewage back-up in a few days at this rate.”
Savin: (aside) We’re not trolls, you know. We don’t all make such heroic... deposits.In the distance, Littlefire walks into a tree.
Two-Edge leaves without passing judgement. He and Winnowill walk on the beach alone – alone, save for the swarming camera crews. “Both projects have strengths and weaknesses,” he tells his mother. “But they both did very well, considering those D-grade tools you assigned them. I’m torn. And I do want to be fair. Can both sides win the challenge?”
Winnowill: Nope.Two-Edge: Can neither side win?
Winnowill: You’ll have to choose one team. So... which team do you like better?“Well, my boy’s over there on the Alt tribe,” Two-Edge decides. “And... I never did like that... canon-Skywise. He dishonoured my Aroree.”
Winnowill: Way I heard it, Aroree dishonoured him. Twice in one hour, yet!
Two-Edge: (hotly) She was lonely and he took advantage of her!The feuding mother and son disappear over the sand dunes as the inspirational music plays. Later that evening, a parcel is dropped over the Alternaverse tribe. They have won the challenge, and get to keep all their tools as well as the housewarming gift – a lovely welcome-mat that reads GO DRUKK YOURSELF.
“I hate Winnowill so much,” Swift sighs.
“Hey, can I keep that after this is all over?” Coppersky asks cheerfully.
The Warp elves spend a miserable time at their camp. “We had a decent supper cooking over the barbeque pit,” Nightfall says. “I don’t mind the taste of burned meat... now and then. Tyleet was showing us how to... how did she put it – ‘burn meat without really burning it.’ Ah, it’s all the same to me.”
Skywise: And then we realized we weren’t going to win the challenge because no one had come back. And then this really miserable cold breeze began blowing, and I don’t think any of us were warm enough when we went to bed. I just kept thinking about those lucky bastards over at Camp Alt with their fleece blankets.**No!** Strongbow sends desperately. **Winnowill! Not again! Damn you, not again!**(softly, weeping) **Life is a cabaret... life is... NO!**Crescent: Dad had night terrors again.
Cutter: I don’t think any of us will ever know what Strongbowwent through at Winnowill’s hands, but apparently it involved off-key showtunes...On Day 12, the tribes gather for their immunity challenge. It is a race through a maze made of wooden posts and cloth dividers. The players are tied together at the waist with rough leashes of frayed cord. Whichever tribe makes it to the center of the maze first wins. The tribes start at opposite sides of the maze, and race at Winnowill’s starter gun. The teams are making equal progress thorugh the maze. The winner is anyone’s guess.
Suddenly Winnowill senses the use of magic and calls an immediate halt to the race. Littlefire was floating just a little above the ground. Soon both tribes are reassembled outside the maze. By game rules any tribe caught using magic during a challenge is immediately eliminated.
“It’s only Littlefire,” Kit protests. “And he wasn’t using it to actually fly up and see over the maze. He can’t see over the magic with the rope around his waist! He just forgets sometimes. He forgets a lot of things. He didn’t mean anything by it. Can’t... can’t we just overlook it?”
Cutter: Rules are rules. Such is the Way. Your tribe forfeits.
Swift: Look, it wasn’t a real use of magic. Why don’t we just run the maze again?Winnowill shrugs. “Rules are rules. Just like the amazing wolf-boy there says. Your tribe forfeits, I’m afraid. The challenge is over. Sorry, Alternaverse, but I’ll see you all at tribal council. Tonight.”
The elves untie the woven cord leashes from around their waist and return to their respective camps. The Warp elves are celebrating. The Alternaverse elves are mired in despair.
Skywise: So we won by a technicality. Who’s to say we wouldn’t have won anyway? The point is, we won! The Alternaverse’s little immunity-winning streak is over. And we’ve got the confidence we’ll need to pull this game off.While the Warp camp celebrates, the Alternaverse elves prepare themselves for the indignity of tribal council. “This is terrible,” Savin says. “All right, I admit it. I was actually thinking... hoping that... maybe, we might just make it all the way to the merge without having to vote anyone off. But now we have to help destroy our own tribe. It’s not right. It’s not.”Swift: This is a grave blow to us. And it’s very unfair.
Cutter: Oh, boo-hoo. They lose their first immunity and suddenly they’re crying foul. Well we’re all getting screwed over in this game. It’s about time they see what it’s like to fail.
Spar: As far as I’m concerned, there’s not question here. Littlefire lost us the challenge. So he should go home.“I don’t know what we’re going to do,” says Swift. “Littlefire lost us immunity. But it was an honest mistake. And... well, Littlefire makes a lot of honest mistakes. It’s not his fault. And we shouldn’t punish him for that.”
Gypsy Moth shrugs. “I don’t want to vote anyone off. Well... frankly life would be a little easier without having Littlefire underfoot. But you can’t just... vote him off. I mean... he’s Littlefire. Try explaining that to the talk shows. ‘Yeah, we voted off the one with the learning disability first, Oprah.’ I dunno. I’m gonna be a lazy slob and not think about it until Coppersky brings it up.”
“I’m looking square at Spar,” Savin remarks. “She doesn’t contribute. She never has. I don’t think she’ll change. I think we should get rid of her.”
Swift: My gut instinct is to get everyone together and decide as a group who to vote out. I don’t like these double-crossing alliances. We need to keep tribal unity.Coppersky gathers his alliance of Spar and Gypsy Moth as the afternoon wears on. “Word is you’re in trouble, Spar,” Coppersky says. “Savin wants you out. And Swift is listening. No, just shut up, Spar. We can’t take Littlefire. He’s too well protected. He’s got Cheipar, and Weatherbird, and Kit on his side. And they’re going to vote as a bloc. You can bet on it.”Savin: Swift’s gotta stop thinking this as any other day at the Great Holt.
Gypsy: So... we’d better figure out who they are going to vote for.Meanwhile, Brightmetal is sounding out the very same elves. “I don’t like Spar,” Weatherbird tells him. “Grandma doesn’t either. Savin-Grandma. Swift-Grandma’s largely indifferent.” Brightmetal find Kit and Littlefire undecided, and gets only a shrug out of Cheipar. Then the quarter-troll approaches Coppersky.
“Look... your girl Spar is in trouble. She needs help. And she needs votes going to someone else.” Coppersky listens, intrigued, then asks Brightmetal who he would vote for.
“Kit,” Brightmetal says. “She’s a little slow in the physical challenges – archery aside. She doesn’t do much around camp – she’s too busy reading or taking bark notes. And no one here really knows that much about her. Littlefire gets a pass because he’s Cheipar’s brother and everyone loves Cheipar. But Kit is vulnerable. She just doesn’t know it yet. We vote her out, we buy Gypsy and Spar a little time to clean up their image.”
Coppersky: Why come to me? Why do you want to help Spar?“Wow!” Coppersky tells the camera later. “Hah... may I drool? This couldn’t be working out any better if I’d planned it. Brightmetal wants to work something out with me? Oh thank you, Satan. Thank you so much. I’ll be a good boy, I promise.”Brightmetal: Because you want to. And you don’t seem like a dumb bunny to me. And I think we could look out for each other.
Brightmetal: And look at that. Brightmetal’s got himself three allies. Not bad for a day’s work.“I feel like several people are looking at me,” Kit squeaks as the day wears on. “And I don’t like it. I know I haven’t really had a chance to contribute yet. But I’m doing more work than Spar.”
Swift: I’ve been approached by Brightmetal, who suggested that perhaps we’d be better off to keep Spar and vote Kit off. And yes, Spar can do her part when she wants to. But I think Kit’s more reliable.
Kit: I think Coppersky’s the one we should be taking out. He’s a bad influence on this tribe.Weatherbird: Coppersky’s smooth, that’s for sure.
Swift: The tribe is fragmented. I don’t know how the vote will go tonight.
The
Alternaverse elves glumly assemble for their first tribal council. “Wonderful,
wonderful,” Winnowill greets them. “I was beginning to worry I’d never
get to see you all. So, how are we doing? Three straight immunity victories,
and suddenly you’re here on a technicality. It must hurt. Littlefire: you
cost them immunity. You feel like you’re going home tonight?”
Littlefire: What? Oh. Um... I don’t know. I... I – I don’t like this game! It’s very confusing. But I don’t want to go home yet. I – I want to try to figure this all out. It’s very important – very important – that I figure this out.
Winnowill: Why? If you don’t mind my asking.
Littlefire: (Affronted) I do mind. I mind very much.
Winnowill: Right. Spar. How do you feel about your position?
Spar: I feel good, Winnie. You know... we all do our own part in our own time. And while maybe I don’t do a lot around camp, I think I’ve proven myself in our challenges.Winnowill notices that Savin rolls her eyes. “Savin. Agree? Disagree?”
Savin: I think there are some elves who are trying to get the hang out this tribe of ours. And then there are some elves who don’t care.
Winnowill: Swift. How is tribal unity?
Swift: I’m usually pretty good at sensing the pulse of my tribe. And right now... I think we’re floundering today. But I think we’ll realize it’s not the end of the world, and we’ll emerge stronger than ever.“And with that... it is time to vote,” Winnowill announces. The tribemates vote one by one. Littlefire remains in the voting booth for a long time, and at length Winnowill lets Kit go in and fetch him. Weatherbird also spends a long time in the booth, weighing her options. Winnowill comes out with the votes and reads them aloud. One vote for Kit. Two votes for Kit. One vote for Coppersky. Kit. Spar. Spar. Coppersky. Spar. Coppersky. There is a three-way tie and only one vote left.
Winnowill: And the fourth person voted off Survivor: Alternaverse... Kit.The tribe is stunned at the upset. Coppersky is too disturbed at his own three votes to gloat as Kit gets up and brings her torch over to be extinguished. Littlefire is sobbing. Weatherbird and Cheipar are troubled. Only Brightmetal seems unfazed by the results. “The tribe has spoken,” Winnowill tells Kit. “It’s time for you to leave.”
Brightmetal:(on voting for Kit) Sorry. But that’s the kind of game this is.“Are you coming back?” Littlefire calls to Kit. She smiles and shakes her head. “No. You’ll come after me,” she calls back. “In a little while. I’ll see you soon.”Kit:(on voting for Coppersky) You know, I’ve never really liked you.
Cheipar: (holds up his vote with Coppersky’s name, then silently puts it in the box)
Littlefire hugs his shoulders nervously. Cheipar gives him a hug. “Well, I think the Alternaverse tribe has a lot of healing to do,” Winnowill says smugly. “I’ll see you all tomorrow. You can head back to camp.”
“’Night, Gamma,” Brightmetal shouts over his shoulder as he follows
his tribe out into the jungle night.
KIT’S LAST WORDS
 Well, I guess this
proves the lowest common denominator will always win out. I think Coppersky
and Spar are just the sort of people to succeed at this game, and I think
that’s a sign of what a messed-up game this really is. I... I’m disappointed.
I had hoped I would last longer. And I hope Cheipar and Weatherbird can
take care of Littlefire. Keep fighting, Alternaverse. I know we’ll win
out in the end. |